Well this is a little different for me...i have no earthly clue as to why or how but apparently i have just suffered my 1st and ever panic attack for no reason whatsoever.....
All i can think is that within the last two hours i have felt like my interactions with people have been strange like they are somehow off... i keep thinking is it a full moon. My chest even as i right this little blub feels tight, and i just cannot seem to place the source..i don't feel bad, mad, angry just like something is completely wrong and it is trippy as fuck!!!!
I can't really focus to write much more at this point except i hope this passes soon.....i have called
"The Nana" whom she has experienced similar things for years, and gotten her take...i also have called "Mr.C" and he has asked me to do some breathing exercises which i hope in effort help me enough to be able to go out as planned for the late bday celebration....i promise folks when this subsides i will post more about this experience but for now i am ok....
i think......
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A Very Merry Un-birthday or Can't Time Just Stand Still....
Two blog posts in one night....i am on a friggin' roll!!! This post however is slightly more personal and dear to my heart...
So in two days time...i shall be another year older....dun dun DUNNNNNN....Now i think this never used to bother me this prospect of (gulp) getting older...but now that i about to enter the last year of my twenties its taken me a slight minute to grasp it all...
At 15 freshed faced leaving home 30 seemed almost like an impossible number to ever reach and now that it almost 1 year to the day..i just wish time could freeze.
Aging effects everyone espeically women...in various degress but for me it just seems a little too surreal in the past few days i have found myself short,cynical, wanting to knock of the heads of every little fifteen year old dipshit i see that thinks they are bad ass, and overall reflecting...on a much simpler time...how did 14 years escape me...can i recall those moments that mean the most...
Do you realize for example....the internet, cell phones, ipods, these were never around when i grew up...but i fail to remember that point i started using them...because it all seems so natural to me like they have always been there...embedded in my brain hardwired forever...
I get the jist of what my mom and grandma go through now and wonder...when i hit 50 will common things to that day and age be foreign to me? What about music? Can i deal with the change in trends....could i be "THAT COOL OLD PERSON"?
I tend to struggle with the fact that while i still look young (15 if i shave) my body is not...i feel tired more than not...and any sense of "Fun" that was simple now seems mundane. But again the fact that this day is rapidly approaching appeers to be why i am ok...today. A very merry UN-birthday to me, to me....
This also has me thinking...at my age now i am grasping the hold on to the fact that i DO want children, a partner in sense a family...my lot in life and i know this was to be a good dad and husband to someone(and by someone i do mean male) with a family of my own...in my way...the older i get the further away it seems but i keep the faith and light that it will happen..even as i watch my very closest friends deal with babies and families i know in my heart my turn is comming.
I find it all could be easier, this search for family, home and love could be easier for me if i found way to suspend time
I wish could somehow just stop the clock at the beginning of 29 for all etenity! Crazy right? Well that is a fear alot of us have the unknown...we begin to see gray a little here a little there, start wondering where the hell our youth went...and what is going to happen in the future...this is what terrifies me the most....
The only certain thing is the un-certain we can't realy know and i just figure that the older i get the further it escapes me...with that said i think i will conclude this post with just a single thought
"ENJOY LIFE" it happens....it passes to quickly and all too soon we become wrapped up in daze thinking "REALLY???????? This is where i'm at"
Well...somewhere in the world they are blowing out birthday candles on a cake and soon it will be my turn...
but till then "A Very Merry Un-birthday to me to me"
So in two days time...i shall be another year older....dun dun DUNNNNNN....Now i think this never used to bother me this prospect of (gulp) getting older...but now that i about to enter the last year of my twenties its taken me a slight minute to grasp it all...
At 15 freshed faced leaving home 30 seemed almost like an impossible number to ever reach and now that it almost 1 year to the day..i just wish time could freeze.
Aging effects everyone espeically women...in various degress but for me it just seems a little too surreal in the past few days i have found myself short,cynical, wanting to knock of the heads of every little fifteen year old dipshit i see that thinks they are bad ass, and overall reflecting...on a much simpler time...how did 14 years escape me...can i recall those moments that mean the most...
Do you realize for example....the internet, cell phones, ipods, these were never around when i grew up...but i fail to remember that point i started using them...because it all seems so natural to me like they have always been there...embedded in my brain hardwired forever...
I get the jist of what my mom and grandma go through now and wonder...when i hit 50 will common things to that day and age be foreign to me? What about music? Can i deal with the change in trends....could i be "THAT COOL OLD PERSON"?
I tend to struggle with the fact that while i still look young (15 if i shave) my body is not...i feel tired more than not...and any sense of "Fun" that was simple now seems mundane. But again the fact that this day is rapidly approaching appeers to be why i am ok...today. A very merry UN-birthday to me, to me....
This also has me thinking...at my age now i am grasping the hold on to the fact that i DO want children, a partner in sense a family...my lot in life and i know this was to be a good dad and husband to someone(and by someone i do mean male) with a family of my own...in my way...the older i get the further away it seems but i keep the faith and light that it will happen..even as i watch my very closest friends deal with babies and families i know in my heart my turn is comming.
I find it all could be easier, this search for family, home and love could be easier for me if i found way to suspend time
I wish could somehow just stop the clock at the beginning of 29 for all etenity! Crazy right? Well that is a fear alot of us have the unknown...we begin to see gray a little here a little there, start wondering where the hell our youth went...and what is going to happen in the future...this is what terrifies me the most....
The only certain thing is the un-certain we can't realy know and i just figure that the older i get the further it escapes me...with that said i think i will conclude this post with just a single thought
"ENJOY LIFE" it happens....it passes to quickly and all too soon we become wrapped up in daze thinking "REALLY???????? This is where i'm at"
Well...somewhere in the world they are blowing out birthday candles on a cake and soon it will be my turn...
but till then "A Very Merry Un-birthday to me to me"
Finding, Settling,Dumping The Asshats Of Your Life or The Guide to Finding A Relationship That Will Work
READER BEWARE ENTER AT YE OWN RISK!!! WARNING THIS BLOG MAY PISS YOU OFF...WARNING STOP GO NO FURTHER
Since you have made it clear you still continue to read after i post that than i must use DISCLAIMER to the following post!
Disclaimer:
I feel an adapt need to say this before i even start posting. This may offend some people...i am sorry it couldn't be helped, not that i set out to piss people off(usually) but i have a deep concern that has been on my mind the past few days its a trend and it seems to be growing in my life, among friends and those closest to me and i can hold back no longer i am sorry..but this had to be discussed
The Issue at hand:
Today readers let us examine relationships....Over the past few days neigh weeks i have seen countless people speak of there being dumped...lack of love...how love is evil....and the fact maybe they derserve what they get in that dept..here is an excerpt from a few comments via my 400 some odd friends on fb
"So i was watching that move "He's Not Into You and maybe they're right we learn if a guys a jerk the more he likes us. No Wonder I am attracted to Assholes"
"Love Will be my weapon from the first guy, i kissed to the last guy who dumped me, if i have to suffer i will make others suffer"
"I just have to ignore his drinking"
"Yes we are both co-dependent"
"He doesn't hit me THAT often"
"Maybe i dream to much, to think things can and will workout"
and the kicker
"I deserve to be alone"
ok...why is this such an issue you ask..well its simple really. I Think that i am sick of seeing people hurt over and over again by their own foolish choices. Clearly if it is not working and you have the capacity to change it then do so...because i for 1 cannot stress that there is a no pity party from me policy.
As humans i think crave the need for companionship that we just HAVE TO be with somebody and not really see them for who they are...sure they maybe cute...but what does it say of their character..2months, 6months down the line...and are they really RIGHT?
I myself am not blameless without no fault...my most current "Douchebag" was someone who in my mind i knew it was never going to work, immaturity, aside he just wasn't experienced but batshit crazy... i had no feelings for this person but gave him 2 month that i wish to hell i could get back...ughhhh! why did i do this? i knew the result...
After so much time being single i just felt like i had to have someone there good or bad in short i settled...
Settling is something i think 90% of all people do....fear of dying alone, not getting what you really want, the idea its never going to come..these are all reasons that we lower expectations and truly end up below what we deserve.It seems silly to me that we as humans do this, i mean, anything worth having should not and cannot be easy simply stated if it starts too easy eventually the cracks will shine through but by then they will be well on their way to breaking and shattering. At almost 29 i cannot grasp the idea of settling for less then what i deserve...a man who truly loves cares for me and more important a friend to me...it sounds silly but i never understand why my friends go through these silly break ups six or seven times...its like they like the abuse to one another, it some how thrives them.
Another point is i firmly think...We overlook the good that may be standing right there in front of us waiting to take an oppertunity...most times we don't go for it because a) we are blind to it b) it might ruin a friendship or c) the illusion you hold of that person will be shattered. But i have to say why not? Why not go for the attainble in front of you? I know if someone really knows me i would make them the first on my list...
A glimpse in my mind: Someone who knows me, who is part of my soul and life can deal with all that i am and know what to expect...i need someone who knows me as well as i or maybe knows me BETTER than myself...
And they are out their folks.....those people who are in your daily life, who see the drama and bullshit you may go through with your current asshat everyday....and maybe their scared because it takes a lot to be brave to state what one feels...
My final point on this matter: I think we date assholes most of the time...its true we spend a week, two, hell a couple years and we think that they are the best thing ever to happen to us, all the while they are dragging us down...or destroying us as our friends and loved ones watch(this where that friend that is probably the best thing for you comes in)knowing that the guy or girl is no good but we don't listen, cause in our minds they are just perfect(for now)and when we get our come-uppence we wonder....why did this go wrong...we were soooo in love..ehh wrong answer...there was no WE, YOU may have been in love or thought you were but that other person wasn't or they'd still be by your side..through it all
the main thing here folks...is that we have to stop and realize that time flies by most quickly and if we overlook the people that truly matter for ones that are less then reputable then we are totally missing out in the world, in love...
so i urge you today...if something isn't working with whoever you are with DITCH THEM...leave them be and never look back, its not worth it
Even if you think it's working but are not sure...listen to advice we don't realize the asshats we date but those that care just might see something we don't...LISTEN LISTEN...AGAIN...LISTEN
Also lastly open your eyes...so its not going great for you with the toxic relationship that doesn't mean you should give up....take time to see, maybe the person meant for you was always their the whole time..silently watching and waiting and listening to the rhythm of your heart praying one day you might feel the same....
Till next post
Since you have made it clear you still continue to read after i post that than i must use DISCLAIMER to the following post!
Disclaimer:
I feel an adapt need to say this before i even start posting. This may offend some people...i am sorry it couldn't be helped, not that i set out to piss people off(usually) but i have a deep concern that has been on my mind the past few days its a trend and it seems to be growing in my life, among friends and those closest to me and i can hold back no longer i am sorry..but this had to be discussed
The Issue at hand:
Today readers let us examine relationships....Over the past few days neigh weeks i have seen countless people speak of there being dumped...lack of love...how love is evil....and the fact maybe they derserve what they get in that dept..here is an excerpt from a few comments via my 400 some odd friends on fb
"So i was watching that move "He's Not Into You and maybe they're right we learn if a guys a jerk the more he likes us. No Wonder I am attracted to Assholes"
"Love Will be my weapon from the first guy, i kissed to the last guy who dumped me, if i have to suffer i will make others suffer"
"I just have to ignore his drinking"
"Yes we are both co-dependent"
"He doesn't hit me THAT often"
"Maybe i dream to much, to think things can and will workout"
and the kicker
"I deserve to be alone"
ok...why is this such an issue you ask..well its simple really. I Think that i am sick of seeing people hurt over and over again by their own foolish choices. Clearly if it is not working and you have the capacity to change it then do so...because i for 1 cannot stress that there is a no pity party from me policy.
As humans i think crave the need for companionship that we just HAVE TO be with somebody and not really see them for who they are...sure they maybe cute...but what does it say of their character..2months, 6months down the line...and are they really RIGHT?
I myself am not blameless without no fault...my most current "Douchebag" was someone who in my mind i knew it was never going to work, immaturity, aside he just wasn't experienced but batshit crazy... i had no feelings for this person but gave him 2 month that i wish to hell i could get back...ughhhh! why did i do this? i knew the result...
After so much time being single i just felt like i had to have someone there good or bad in short i settled...
Settling is something i think 90% of all people do....fear of dying alone, not getting what you really want, the idea its never going to come..these are all reasons that we lower expectations and truly end up below what we deserve.It seems silly to me that we as humans do this, i mean, anything worth having should not and cannot be easy simply stated if it starts too easy eventually the cracks will shine through but by then they will be well on their way to breaking and shattering. At almost 29 i cannot grasp the idea of settling for less then what i deserve...a man who truly loves cares for me and more important a friend to me...it sounds silly but i never understand why my friends go through these silly break ups six or seven times...its like they like the abuse to one another, it some how thrives them.
Another point is i firmly think...We overlook the good that may be standing right there in front of us waiting to take an oppertunity...most times we don't go for it because a) we are blind to it b) it might ruin a friendship or c) the illusion you hold of that person will be shattered. But i have to say why not? Why not go for the attainble in front of you? I know if someone really knows me i would make them the first on my list...
A glimpse in my mind: Someone who knows me, who is part of my soul and life can deal with all that i am and know what to expect...i need someone who knows me as well as i or maybe knows me BETTER than myself...
And they are out their folks.....those people who are in your daily life, who see the drama and bullshit you may go through with your current asshat everyday....and maybe their scared because it takes a lot to be brave to state what one feels...
My final point on this matter: I think we date assholes most of the time...its true we spend a week, two, hell a couple years and we think that they are the best thing ever to happen to us, all the while they are dragging us down...or destroying us as our friends and loved ones watch(this where that friend that is probably the best thing for you comes in)knowing that the guy or girl is no good but we don't listen, cause in our minds they are just perfect(for now)and when we get our come-uppence we wonder....why did this go wrong...we were soooo in love..ehh wrong answer...there was no WE, YOU may have been in love or thought you were but that other person wasn't or they'd still be by your side..through it all
the main thing here folks...is that we have to stop and realize that time flies by most quickly and if we overlook the people that truly matter for ones that are less then reputable then we are totally missing out in the world, in love...
so i urge you today...if something isn't working with whoever you are with DITCH THEM...leave them be and never look back, its not worth it
Even if you think it's working but are not sure...listen to advice we don't realize the asshats we date but those that care just might see something we don't...LISTEN LISTEN...AGAIN...LISTEN
Also lastly open your eyes...so its not going great for you with the toxic relationship that doesn't mean you should give up....take time to see, maybe the person meant for you was always their the whole time..silently watching and waiting and listening to the rhythm of your heart praying one day you might feel the same....
Till next post
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Adele-onics and other Musical Mantras
If You know me and know me well, then you should know one thing about me first and foremost! I Absolutely Love music of all types of this and that. From Country to Folk...From Kesha to Liza..to Dolly i like a little of it all. Some for more entertainment purposes than others...these i call the "Dance Effect" nothing really deep but fun and light aka Britney, Katy Perry, Madonna shit like that.
But Someone who i consider a true artist and talent beyond all measure is Adele...i cannot stress how much i admire and love this woman...her music just does something every line and time i have heard it. It speaks to me in ways i cannot fathom.
A little funny story for you...my appreciation for her was not instant on the contrary i first heard her around the time her first song came out...Not knowing the song was called "Chasing Pavements" i had been riding in the car when it came over the radio. I remember thinking this isn't bad she has a good voice...and was getting into the song when i guess my ears weren't working very well....because all i heard was "Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Penguins Even if they lead nowhere". i turned to my friend and asked "Why in the hell would anyone want to chase penguins?????? That's just silly." And went about my way...
It really wasn't until i heard "Hometown Glory" that i REALLY UNDERSTOOD her lyrical depth and what it takes to truely captivate me in a way that will stick with me...if i am to analyze my top 5 songs it will explain to you in detail more about myself which i intend to do in a little lesson i call "Adele-onics 101" Class get your pen and paper out please...and away we go...
1.Don't You Remember- Not only one of the most Vocally challenging songs i have ever heard...but lyrically i mean you cannot top this....who hasn't felt the regret, the pain of losing someone who you messed up with and wondering if you will ever see them again...i mean the lines that say "Don't you remember, the reason you loved me before, baby please remember me once more..." if you have NO soul i understand why you wouldn't like this but for me it is my All Time Favorite by her.
2.Hometown Glory- Coming from a small town and back again...i love this song its about community pride and the piano is just superb
3.He Won't Go- it's about taking a chance to make something work because neither party is willing to leave....simple short and sweet
4. Turning Tables- THIS ONE...speaks soo near my heart...anyone who has had a bad breakup where someone tries to convince you that you are always wrong this song is a source of strength, knowing you will be ok...and again heavy,string and piano....
5. Fire To The Rain- This song is amazing..someone who is ending a relationship from feeling that the person was not being honest with them...that's really all i have to say on that one.
So...why Adele over so many artists? Artists to me have to inspire something..i could just have easily picked Kelly Clarkson, Tori Amos,Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, or Melissa Etheridge..these are all artists to me...because they each say something.
I now and forever am a man about lyrics...and words...do they speak to me how do they relate....this is the force that drives me every day to play a little bit of Adele mainly cause she gives me so much hope through her music.
I pray she is around for years and that genarations later we will have more songs like the five i just shared with you...for she is an artist in the world of auto-tune bullshit
Till next post
But Someone who i consider a true artist and talent beyond all measure is Adele...i cannot stress how much i admire and love this woman...her music just does something every line and time i have heard it. It speaks to me in ways i cannot fathom.
A little funny story for you...my appreciation for her was not instant on the contrary i first heard her around the time her first song came out...Not knowing the song was called "Chasing Pavements" i had been riding in the car when it came over the radio. I remember thinking this isn't bad she has a good voice...and was getting into the song when i guess my ears weren't working very well....because all i heard was "Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Penguins Even if they lead nowhere". i turned to my friend and asked "Why in the hell would anyone want to chase penguins?????? That's just silly." And went about my way...
It really wasn't until i heard "Hometown Glory" that i REALLY UNDERSTOOD her lyrical depth and what it takes to truely captivate me in a way that will stick with me...if i am to analyze my top 5 songs it will explain to you in detail more about myself which i intend to do in a little lesson i call "Adele-onics 101" Class get your pen and paper out please...and away we go...
1.Don't You Remember- Not only one of the most Vocally challenging songs i have ever heard...but lyrically i mean you cannot top this....who hasn't felt the regret, the pain of losing someone who you messed up with and wondering if you will ever see them again...i mean the lines that say "Don't you remember, the reason you loved me before, baby please remember me once more..." if you have NO soul i understand why you wouldn't like this but for me it is my All Time Favorite by her.
2.Hometown Glory- Coming from a small town and back again...i love this song its about community pride and the piano is just superb
3.He Won't Go- it's about taking a chance to make something work because neither party is willing to leave....simple short and sweet
4. Turning Tables- THIS ONE...speaks soo near my heart...anyone who has had a bad breakup where someone tries to convince you that you are always wrong this song is a source of strength, knowing you will be ok...and again heavy,string and piano....
5. Fire To The Rain- This song is amazing..someone who is ending a relationship from feeling that the person was not being honest with them...that's really all i have to say on that one.
So...why Adele over so many artists? Artists to me have to inspire something..i could just have easily picked Kelly Clarkson, Tori Amos,Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, or Melissa Etheridge..these are all artists to me...because they each say something.
I now and forever am a man about lyrics...and words...do they speak to me how do they relate....this is the force that drives me every day to play a little bit of Adele mainly cause she gives me so much hope through her music.
I pray she is around for years and that genarations later we will have more songs like the five i just shared with you...for she is an artist in the world of auto-tune bullshit
Till next post
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
That one Moment....
Ok people...as promised....tonight's Glee was epic and left me a little wanting...forcing me to deep down into my very core to bring up a topic we all often think about, talk about in a sense we all ache and long for....LOVE.
Now to the varying degree's we love are family, friends each bringing so much out of us. It's these things that make up the very essence of who we are...but i am not speaking on this kind of love.
Nor am i describing Lust which can be masked for love..
What i am talking about is that stomach flipping feeling, that way your face lights up when you see that person and in essence you just feel alive.
For me this has never been an easy thing. I think its only that way just because these moments have been few and by few i mean 3 and continue to be very seldom but very strong. Let's examine them one by one...
1. The first time for me i guess you could say was love at first sight...i had been standing outside a lavender house having just gotten into town when he decided he was going to interrupt my thought process. I'll never forget the look...the sly smile and the feeling of playing it cool. What i did was turn and walked away. Yet he managed to wait for me outside the Walgreens on the street just to speak to me. I for the life of me do not know what i was thinking but i felt like i was floating as he spoke and took me under his wing i knew for the moment i was destined to share a time with him. I recall the days following as well bliss filled and the moment that he decided he wasn't just interested in being a guide but to be an us...had i known it would be a brief but intense thing i don't know what i would have done. To this day...i think about the way things fell south, the way i was oh so young and naive...i do wish him the best though...and hope he has found the love that he is looking for.
2.As many of you know,,or should at least...i was in a very toxic relationship for almost 3 years....but it wasn't all bad and certainly not when i decided i was in love. It didn't come with bells or fireworks but simple...it began with a face..a smile and a moment when my heart said...he lights up my world...again things change and i saw him in his true form but i don't think i would change the way things happened they have made me more aware...
3.The last and final time...well it came about from asking directions.This could derive from the fact he and the best grin, and the most stunning eyes i have ever seen, the sad thing is we became friends and i never told him....much to my dismay, when he would speak i would ramble off topic sometimes just to maintain that feeling for myself. I know now that fear of rejection does crazy things but i continued to wonder for years until he actually told me he had felt the same.This could not be conceived as love for being unspoken the only thing it could have been was a possibility..a possibility i regret not taking but as time stands to reason i wasn't ready for it,
Flash forward to today... So which of these moments these things means the most? Well, that is not an easy question for without any i wouldn't be the man i have become whether it be a missed opportunity or a lesson that something was toxic all hold a place in my life at one point and in some cases still do...
I think what i am trying to convey is that i want, i want moment that doesn't just happen and you become "lovers" upon sight..but that moment where something magical truly has the chance to grow and become a part of you.
Call me the old fashioned romantic but i long for the day when i have moment where just as simple as one being my friend leads me to saying "oh there you are". It's that realizing it, the chance, it all intrigues me because at least in my mind that's the way it is supposed to be.
Most anyone i know has said well friends shouldn't and can't date but it is these people who probably are kidding themselves because when you really find that one, your soul mate if you will they not only have to be your friend but your best friend...they have to mean the world to you only than can you say you have the true connection...
Well this is a topic i could go on and on about but somethings are left to a better time....till then peace and love to everyone who like me is on a journey to find what true love really feels like
1.
Now to the varying degree's we love are family, friends each bringing so much out of us. It's these things that make up the very essence of who we are...but i am not speaking on this kind of love.
Nor am i describing Lust which can be masked for love..
What i am talking about is that stomach flipping feeling, that way your face lights up when you see that person and in essence you just feel alive.
For me this has never been an easy thing. I think its only that way just because these moments have been few and by few i mean 3 and continue to be very seldom but very strong. Let's examine them one by one...
1. The first time for me i guess you could say was love at first sight...i had been standing outside a lavender house having just gotten into town when he decided he was going to interrupt my thought process. I'll never forget the look...the sly smile and the feeling of playing it cool. What i did was turn and walked away. Yet he managed to wait for me outside the Walgreens on the street just to speak to me. I for the life of me do not know what i was thinking but i felt like i was floating as he spoke and took me under his wing i knew for the moment i was destined to share a time with him. I recall the days following as well bliss filled and the moment that he decided he wasn't just interested in being a guide but to be an us...had i known it would be a brief but intense thing i don't know what i would have done. To this day...i think about the way things fell south, the way i was oh so young and naive...i do wish him the best though...and hope he has found the love that he is looking for.
2.As many of you know,,or should at least...i was in a very toxic relationship for almost 3 years....but it wasn't all bad and certainly not when i decided i was in love. It didn't come with bells or fireworks but simple...it began with a face..a smile and a moment when my heart said...he lights up my world...again things change and i saw him in his true form but i don't think i would change the way things happened they have made me more aware...
3.The last and final time...well it came about from asking directions.This could derive from the fact he and the best grin, and the most stunning eyes i have ever seen, the sad thing is we became friends and i never told him....much to my dismay, when he would speak i would ramble off topic sometimes just to maintain that feeling for myself. I know now that fear of rejection does crazy things but i continued to wonder for years until he actually told me he had felt the same.This could not be conceived as love for being unspoken the only thing it could have been was a possibility..a possibility i regret not taking but as time stands to reason i wasn't ready for it,
Flash forward to today... So which of these moments these things means the most? Well, that is not an easy question for without any i wouldn't be the man i have become whether it be a missed opportunity or a lesson that something was toxic all hold a place in my life at one point and in some cases still do...
I think what i am trying to convey is that i want, i want moment that doesn't just happen and you become "lovers" upon sight..but that moment where something magical truly has the chance to grow and become a part of you.
Call me the old fashioned romantic but i long for the day when i have moment where just as simple as one being my friend leads me to saying "oh there you are". It's that realizing it, the chance, it all intrigues me because at least in my mind that's the way it is supposed to be.
Most anyone i know has said well friends shouldn't and can't date but it is these people who probably are kidding themselves because when you really find that one, your soul mate if you will they not only have to be your friend but your best friend...they have to mean the world to you only than can you say you have the true connection...
Well this is a topic i could go on and on about but somethings are left to a better time....till then peace and love to everyone who like me is on a journey to find what true love really feels like
1.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I'M IN LOVE....
YES...it's true i am in love again...only this time it is the most right it has ever been....this person is always in my heart and very close...
I AM IN LOVE YES IT'S TRUE...with ME! For so long i have moped about settling discontent with the way the people, my life and everything around me has been...its time to stop the nonsense and live for me today, now and all that comes with it.
I have realized i am not happy here in kansas and never will be so i am up and moving out by Springs end...i swore i would never venture west again to that hell hole of a city which is San Francisco and i'm not im taking my life toward better weather and hopefully a better life...Speaking with "Mr.C" again has really shown me that if i want things to be better than i actually have to make them better. Now i o not know nor expect that anything will come from me moving there in terms of my pursuit of him, that chance that COULD be there someday...but all i know is his words, his presence in my life have greatly changed me...and i do miss him...but more importantly i miss being happy...full of life and energy where anything is possible...things could have easily been different from the get go had i not been harping on my life and how horrible it was...
So i am taking action and control to get my body, mind and spirit just the way i want them to be and create i life i can live day in and day out that i love surrounded by people who truly matter to me!
As for "FAMILY" IT IS SOOO time to cut all ties...if you are dead weight to me then you are just that...i do not need you bringing me down one second longer...
For Friends they have to start proving their worth to me...one of the reasons i am so drawn to "Mr. C" is that he has time and time again in the short period we have been speaking has proven his place and worth in my life and no matter what happens he will always be a part of my life...Same Goes to my roommate "Yes Lord" and my friend "KTFB"(That is kill the French bitch for those that really want to know) THESE ARE the 3 people in my life whose presence has mattered in all of this mess and without their encouragement and support i would still be lying on the couch in a drunken stuper trying to sleep...my life away....
It does irk me it's taken a nudge from these people and when all along i should have been loving myself from the start...but at least i know i can count on these three people to not tell me what i should do but defiantly be a positive nudge in the right directions...so as i said before on my fb...
"Its GO TIME MOTHERFUCKERS" I WANT WHAT MY HEART WANTS NOW I HAVE TO FIGHT TO MAKE IT A REALITY!!"
I AM IN LOVE YES IT'S TRUE...with ME! For so long i have moped about settling discontent with the way the people, my life and everything around me has been...its time to stop the nonsense and live for me today, now and all that comes with it.
I have realized i am not happy here in kansas and never will be so i am up and moving out by Springs end...i swore i would never venture west again to that hell hole of a city which is San Francisco and i'm not im taking my life toward better weather and hopefully a better life...Speaking with "Mr.C" again has really shown me that if i want things to be better than i actually have to make them better. Now i o not know nor expect that anything will come from me moving there in terms of my pursuit of him, that chance that COULD be there someday...but all i know is his words, his presence in my life have greatly changed me...and i do miss him...but more importantly i miss being happy...full of life and energy where anything is possible...things could have easily been different from the get go had i not been harping on my life and how horrible it was...
So i am taking action and control to get my body, mind and spirit just the way i want them to be and create i life i can live day in and day out that i love surrounded by people who truly matter to me!
As for "FAMILY" IT IS SOOO time to cut all ties...if you are dead weight to me then you are just that...i do not need you bringing me down one second longer...
For Friends they have to start proving their worth to me...one of the reasons i am so drawn to "Mr. C" is that he has time and time again in the short period we have been speaking has proven his place and worth in my life and no matter what happens he will always be a part of my life...Same Goes to my roommate "Yes Lord" and my friend "KTFB"(That is kill the French bitch for those that really want to know) THESE ARE the 3 people in my life whose presence has mattered in all of this mess and without their encouragement and support i would still be lying on the couch in a drunken stuper trying to sleep...my life away....
It does irk me it's taken a nudge from these people and when all along i should have been loving myself from the start...but at least i know i can count on these three people to not tell me what i should do but defiantly be a positive nudge in the right directions...so as i said before on my fb...
"Its GO TIME MOTHERFUCKERS" I WANT WHAT MY HEART WANTS NOW I HAVE TO FIGHT TO MAKE IT A REALITY!!"
Monday, January 16, 2012
Chances
So This was going to be an entirely diffrent post altogether but recent events have made me re-evaluate what was orginally intended to be posted. My last post i briefley spoke about "Mr. C" Who was someone i had been talking to/crushing on in hopes just to see where it would lead..i also felt i didnt want to say too much or i could jinx myself which i kind of did. You Amoung us speaking and planning for me to go see him in March, He met someone who in 2 days he feels very intesly about. Normal recation or what usually done in this situation is too simply tell set person to go fuck themselves and quit talking to them period end of sentence.
So why do i feel diffrently i suppose your asking yourself...well i guess the breakdown is that...ultimtly i care for his happiness wether it be him trying to pursue something with me or with someone else. I just can't shove him out of my life again. I waited 10 years to tell him how i felt, which i did get out and now i still want him in my life at 6:22 A.M. as much as i did when we spoke for the first time on the phone the night after christmas.
I stand hold to the fact that... If a chance is really there...it will be there in the future both parties have to be ready and hold no fear..and there are fears he has concerning my location and many other things that are just not certain. Who am i to hold this against him? In the 42 minutes talking to him over the phone i held no grudge, or regret and i wished him well. The only sign i urged him in dealing with me was never to be afraid to tell me anything..this i think is most important..for a realationship,friendship, sexual and or not you have to let go of the fear that once words are spoken they still will be there for you.
That is a test of one really cares for you or you mean so little that you drive them away. I left our converstation assuring him that...i a). was not hurt or angry and b). although i may not like the circumstances i had known about cause i felt it, that i was always going to be there for him and that i didn't beleive our door was yet shut...so he had my support
I tend to think that the true value in our lives come from a place where if we care as much as we say we do we prove the test of time....we are there good and bad...and at the end of the road whoever we are going after they will ALWAYS have us there when everyone else may turn their backs for things...when you have feelings for someone you stand your ground with them good and bad...it may take 20 years for them to see it, but in the end you will have impacted their life with your, caring, love, support, and devotion.
Where am i going with all this... my first chance in hs with him left me feeling empty and longing, so maybe my second chance isnt around yet...but at least the disclosure has left a doorway that is open he now knows how i feel but most importantly now that i've found him i don't want to lose contact. i will be whatever he needs...a friend, someone to listen,share with and that no matter who he dates...will remain true to me...and as the saying goes...
You Just never know.....
(To Mr. C.- i am sending this in your email so I KNOW you will read it...but i wanted to add a side not espeically for you....
Many times in my life i have oftened regreted not saying things when they need to be said...but a thank you is in order to you...because through your our expericnce you have made me realize how much i have yet to see in this world...and how i really do care for you so much...all i want in life is for you to see whar a kind, handsome person you are...and i wish you nothing but love...so if this is right for you i want you to love hard for me, its rare we find that person in our lives...but i don't want you paralyzing yourself with fear love hard and long and know at the end..i will always be here if and when you need me you only need ask)
To all of you.....and espeically you "Mr.C"
So why do i feel diffrently i suppose your asking yourself...well i guess the breakdown is that...ultimtly i care for his happiness wether it be him trying to pursue something with me or with someone else. I just can't shove him out of my life again. I waited 10 years to tell him how i felt, which i did get out and now i still want him in my life at 6:22 A.M. as much as i did when we spoke for the first time on the phone the night after christmas.
I stand hold to the fact that... If a chance is really there...it will be there in the future both parties have to be ready and hold no fear..and there are fears he has concerning my location and many other things that are just not certain. Who am i to hold this against him? In the 42 minutes talking to him over the phone i held no grudge, or regret and i wished him well. The only sign i urged him in dealing with me was never to be afraid to tell me anything..this i think is most important..for a realationship,friendship, sexual and or not you have to let go of the fear that once words are spoken they still will be there for you.
That is a test of one really cares for you or you mean so little that you drive them away. I left our converstation assuring him that...i a). was not hurt or angry and b). although i may not like the circumstances i had known about cause i felt it, that i was always going to be there for him and that i didn't beleive our door was yet shut...so he had my support
I tend to think that the true value in our lives come from a place where if we care as much as we say we do we prove the test of time....we are there good and bad...and at the end of the road whoever we are going after they will ALWAYS have us there when everyone else may turn their backs for things...when you have feelings for someone you stand your ground with them good and bad...it may take 20 years for them to see it, but in the end you will have impacted their life with your, caring, love, support, and devotion.
Where am i going with all this... my first chance in hs with him left me feeling empty and longing, so maybe my second chance isnt around yet...but at least the disclosure has left a doorway that is open he now knows how i feel but most importantly now that i've found him i don't want to lose contact. i will be whatever he needs...a friend, someone to listen,share with and that no matter who he dates...will remain true to me...and as the saying goes...
You Just never know.....
(To Mr. C.- i am sending this in your email so I KNOW you will read it...but i wanted to add a side not espeically for you....
Many times in my life i have oftened regreted not saying things when they need to be said...but a thank you is in order to you...because through your our expericnce you have made me realize how much i have yet to see in this world...and how i really do care for you so much...all i want in life is for you to see whar a kind, handsome person you are...and i wish you nothing but love...so if this is right for you i want you to love hard for me, its rare we find that person in our lives...but i don't want you paralyzing yourself with fear love hard and long and know at the end..i will always be here if and when you need me you only need ask)
To all of you.....and espeically you "Mr.C"
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