The Science of An Insomniac

Insomnia: is most often defined by an individual's reports of sleeping difficulties

This is defined by wikipedia and the best case scenrio of what i go through each time i lay my head down to count the hours at 12, then 1, 2, and thus forth and so on....it is often in my case masked by many newports(my ashtrays tell stories) food, movie watching and downloading...but most importantly...the past. Past lovers, friends that have come and gone, and how the fuck did i get to this state....by state meaning the point where sleep becomes a chore only to drag my self to work the next day to slave for AMC dealing with the mother fuckers that bitch, whine and moan at me as if i was at fault. Some unholy demon that MADE them forget their id's or better yet (and i love this one) MADE the prices like i want to charge them 15.50 for a 3-D movie...yep thats me....THE MOVIE NAZI....anywayz back to sleep...

It is 2:15 A.M. and i must be up by nine yet my eyelids arent heavy...no suprise for me there which is why i chose this as my first offical topic....i tell you truthfully...i know what it is...awake all night..alone when your friends have logged offline and there is noone to share your bed. There are times it gets so bad i wish i could just lay down, drift off and not get up ever...to be stuck in a dream for all eternity would be fufilling i would hope....unless it where to be of the bad varity in which case...NO FUCKING WAY....

  I am inclinned to think the root of this came about back when i was still livng in kansas. A docter once told me i have SELF afflicted insomnia....WELL NO SHIT....how do you explain to a docter that there is something in your dreams that terrifies you...and you cannnot remember for the life of you what it is....

Example: age 15 i had this recurring dream one of a dead snakes at my feet i had somehow ended up with their eyeballs in my hands feeding them to ravens...

Umm does this seem normal to you? Didn't think so....alas it was one of many distubing things that would pop into my head the difference was this one FELT real and i could remember it...where the ones that would wake me up, keep me burning my hands with cigs, drinking pepsi, sneaking out and ultimitly getting into trouble where the ones i couldn't remember

Leaving home...it got better for a time now...i realize i will struggle with this shit night after night....probably for the rest of my life....

if there is any science or understanding is to why i go through this...it escapes me...i just wish it would stop or find me some good drugs that will knock my ass out when its time to sleep


till then...back to our regually scheduled smoke session